


The Air Felt So Still

by BravePrincess19



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Father-Son Relationship, Gen, Hurt Obi-Wan Kenobi, Hurt/Comfort, Not Beta Read, Obi-Wan Kenobi Raises Luke Skywalker
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-19
Updated: 2021-03-19
Packaged: 2021-03-28 15:28:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,727
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30141651
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BravePrincess19/pseuds/BravePrincess19
Summary: Obi-Wan raises Luke.
Relationships: Obi-Wan Kenobi & Anakin Skywalker, Obi-Wan Kenobi & Luke Skywalker
Comments: 10
Kudos: 67





	The Air Felt So Still

Obi-Wan knew heartbreak. At least he thought he did. He was introduced to it at four years old. He remembers the day clearly though he’d never spoken or given any indication that he did. He remembers the master Jedis, their faces covered in shadows due to their cloaks and their soft spoken words as they tried to sooth his wails for his mother. When asked he had always said he did not remember that day; he lied. He remembers his mother’s pretty face, set in determination and she marched through the crowded market and towards the Jedi temple. He remembers her kissing his forehead and telling him to be a good boy and disappearing into the crowd, leaving him there on the steps of the Jedi temple...abandoned. 

  
  


He felt it next when he was not picked by any Master to become their padawan. He remembers all the other younglings excitedly telling him they’d gotten this master or that master and then placatingly telling him he’d get picked soon. He remembers the day they’d told him he would be relocating to the Agri Corps, he remembers the feeling heartbreaking...disappointment. 

  
  


Later he’d felt it when his Master had died in his arms, his last request to train the chosen one echoing in his mind for years to come. The overwhelming sense of helplessness settling deep in his soul. 

He’d felt the sting of heartbreak many times over the years, more times than any one man should be able to endure, but endure it he did. He stood back up after every blow, sure that this one was going to be the one that broke him but still he remained. 

  
  
  


He’d always known he was not meant for happiness so he settled for contentment and took joy in the small moments.

Anakin’s laugh 

Padme’s passion 

Yoda’s humor 

Ahsoka’s quick wit 

Rex’s exasperation 

Cody’s determination 

On and on...

But the Force whispered to him...something was coming and it was going to break him; tear out his soul and leave him a hollow husk. He expected to be scared of such a thing but all he could muster was sadness. Perhaps he had broken a bit.

He took and gave to the galaxy in equal measure, he tried to keep his padawan from trouble and lend an ear and give advice when he could, he tried to save the galaxy and instead helped tear it apart with war.

The heartbreak he’d felt then was intense and left him numb and in that moment is when he’d realized ,it’s here,what he had been warned about; the final heartbreak. It did not happen in a moment, with one death as he’d assumed but with a multitude of moments with many deaths all calling upon his expansive failures. The Force was right, it did break him...and left him hollow...and tore out his soul...and he’d cried out enough but she responded not yet. 

He looks down at the small blonde whips of hair attached to a cooing child and feels the weight of the entire universe on his shoulders and he knows he will bear it for as long as he can...until the time comes. 

  
  


Looking down at the innocent face Obi-Wan selfishly wishes it will never know the suffering he has. He wishes for the innocence he’s beholden too will never dim, that this boy will not suffer the same fate as his father. He knows the time is approaching to give him over but he’s overwhelmed with the desire to be selfish. Jedi’s must not show attachment but the time of the Jedi is over and looking at the small bundle Obi Wan can't stop himself from growing attached, from seeing his once padawan in the baby’s small face, he loves the infant already that much he knows, he’d loved the both of them from the moment the droid had handed squirming children over to him but he’d been able to let Leia go but the boy...he can’t , so he doesn’t. 

  
  


Time has taken up a new meaning for Ben. Before, when he’d gone by a different name, time was marked by the number of rotations before his next mission and now it was marked in the number of clicks before Luke needed a changing or burping or feeding. Before, his world revolved around the Jedi and the code. Now, it revolved around Luke and if he was happy. 

Luke is a happy baby, he can be quite mischievous at times, throwing dramatic tantrums until Ben caves and lets him sleep on his chest. When he notices Luke attempting to mimic his mouth movements Ben realizes that Luke wants to talk. Ben doesn't remember his own first words but he’s seen enough of the galaxy to know that a child’s first words are usually the titles reserved for their parents and without thinking Ben encourages Luke to call him papa. 

He agonizes over it for days, His heart breaks with the knowledge that Luke will never know who sired him, Ben could tell him stories of the Hero With No Fear but Luke would never look upon Anakin’s face and know him as Obi Wan did. He wonders for Luke’s future, worries he’ll disappoint him as he did his father. He wonders for Anakin too, he wonders if he’s trapped under that mask or if he’s truly gone—taken over by Darth Vader. He huddles Luke closer as he realseas those dark thoughts into the force. 

Luke looks so much like his father at times it’s hard to look at him and when he doesn't remind Ben of Anakin he reminds him of Padme which is just as heartbreaking, he wonders if Bail is experiencing the same wave of feelings, he wishes he could ask him but the com lines they set up are only to used in emergencies. 

Luke loves the market, he likes to watch the animals at the watering hole and mimics Ben haggling prices. Though the market is new and exciting to Luke it makes Ben nervous. It’s loud and too much— he needs to keep Luke close, less a slaver snatch him and Luke is so excited, babbling and pulling on the sash Ben’s tied around himself to carry the boy in and the people are all around him more people than he could take on at once, especially with a baby...safe to say he doesn't go to the market often.

Ben liked to think he could adapt to anything but the prolonged heat on tatooine is excruciating. He has enough credits from his Jedi days when the Order would supply them with allowances to last him several lifetimes but he needs to be careful not to attract too much attention and he cannot splurge on luxuries that he can would normally indulge in lest he attract the attention of the slavers or other unfavorables. 

He spots Lars’ from time to time and he wonders what would have been if he’d been strong enough to give Luke up. The thought only lasts a second before he’s clutching Luke possessively to him and goes about his business, the content couple none the wiser. 

  
  


Luke is teething and his cries are piercing. Ben tries to sooth him as best he can, distracting the baby with a teething ring and cool rags on his gums all the while thinking it would be so much easier if he could use the Force to sooth the baby. But with Darth Vader and his inquisitors actively hunting down any remaining Jedi, one slip up could mean the difference between life and death. 

  
  


Luke’s first word is not Papa as Ben had predicted but, ‘ow’. Luke likes to shout it as loud as he can and watch Ben run to him and check him over for injuries. It’s after the hundredth time that Ben realizes the boy is just playing and not in any pain. Luke’s second word is Papa, accompanied by ‘Papa, Ow’ it’s only later that he realizes Luke is not saying he’s hurt but rather that Ben is, it takes him another moment to realize Luke can feel Obi-Wan’s heartbreak and that breaks Ben’s heart all over again. 

  
  


When Luke turns a year old Ben splurges on a few more rations than he should have in order to bake the boy a cake. It comes out terrible but Luke is happier throwing food then eating it so he doesn't mind. 

  
  


The years pass relatively the same and all through that the bond between Ben and Luke grows so strong they overcome those which Obi-Wan shared with Anakin. Ben tries not to tear up every time Luke calls him papa but it's a struggle just as it’s a struggle sending him to school. He debated whether or not to do so, it was dangerous if he’s caught but he can’t help but want for Luke to enjoy the little comforts in life. When he’s enrolling him they ask him for his full name and Ben has to think for a moment. He knows what names mean to the residents of tatooine, he knows what it had meant to Anakin to have a surname, but it was dangerous. His name was dangerous too but it tore at him to even think about taking away Luke’s name to lie to him outright, as of now he had not asked any questions but he knew that would change when he was exposed to other children...this was his first test and Ben felt like either way he would fail. Ultimately his need to protect Luke outweighed his guilt and he’d put down Walker. He’d cringed at how wrong it sounded but he needed to keep them safe and this was one more way to do that. 

Ben fretted all day long while Luke was in school. He’d not returned to their home in the wastes and instead had opted to stay in town. He walked in circles until it was time to fetch Luke and Ben was the first parent waiting outside the door. He waited anxiously as the teacher let the children out one by one when it was Luke’s turn he cast a look about before landing on Ben waiting for him. Luke’s entire face lit up when he saw him waiting with a sweet in his hand, he turned back once to wave at a friend before jumping into Ben’s open arms. 

  
  


Luke spoke animatedly recalling his day, Ben ‘ooing’ and ‘aahhing’ at the right moments before Luke asked after his day. Ben was good at telling stories, he embleshined one of great adventures that had Luke laughing by the time they got home. 

  
  


It takes time but he eventually stops pacing in town while Luke is in school. Of course this doesn't happen until Luke is fourteen standard years and insists his Papa stay home so he can meet some friends and walk with them to school. Ben feigns offense but agrees. He keeps himself open to the Force in case of danger—in case his boy needs him. Over the years as more and more Jedi appeared on the confirmed dead list, Darth Vader and his inquisitors slowly moved on to other matters and Ben deemed it safe enough to open himself up to her call once more, being careful not to reach too far. The Force is a dark despairing place, crying out for it’s fallen children, Ben doesn't like leaving himself open to it. After years of maintaining that part of himself locked deep inside, it feels strange to be open to it once more, strange and sad. 

Luke has grown into his dramatics. His resemblance to his father aches a little less now, Ben sees it as a blessing—that he gets to keep a part of Anakin that is still good. Ben finds himself using the same modes of discipline but enjoys that Luke rarely needs it and good talking too is all it takes for the boy to be properly chastised. His boy is smart and funny and loves to make others feel loved, his boy is determined to give him a heart attack. Luke much like his father and mother is of the determined sort, now Ben won’t lie and say he himself is docile but he respected rules...most of the time. 

People often mistake Luke for docile because he is gentle but he can summon up a storm when he needs to, his nerves are made of beskar and he’s not one to back down from a confrontation. It makes Ben proud and fearful in equal measures. Luke won’t stand for injustices big or small and it has gotten him into trouble more times than Ben can count. Luckily Ben is able to calm most of Luke’s impulses...most of the time. 

  
  


Ben loves many things about being Luke’s papa. He loves how sweet Luke is no matter how old he grows, how freely he loves. Ben loves to see how wide his boy can smile when he’s racing beggars canyon—though it has caused all of his head to go white and Ben does mourn the loss of his color. But most of all Ben loves that no matter how old Luke gets he still continues to call him Papa. Ben was afraid Luke might skirt the habit and call him father or dad at the light teasing from his classmates but he never does. Obi Wan was also afraid Luke might ask after his mother or Ben’s past but he never does, most likely sensing the pain it would cause him. Sometimes after meditation and his mistakes are fresh in his mind—Luke would wander into his cot and snuggle up to him, his large hand gently petting his hair until they both fall asleep. His boy was kind and gentle with an iron will and determination much like his mother—that thought would send him into a deep depression that had Luke pacing with worry. 

There were hard days, when the mistakes of his past would threaten to overwhelm him; when an argument with Luke would have him freezing with the shock that he’d almost called him Anakin or when he would get so worked up about a topic and his passion would remind him too much of a kind face and a fierce heart. The good days outweigh the bad and in the end he thinks it’s more than he deserved. 

  
  


It’s the worst day of his life when two familiar droids make their way to him while Luke is at beggar’s canyon with some friends. They show him the message and he knows he must go, that it’s time for Luke to go as well and for the first time in 19 years he calls out in the force.

  
  


_Luke, come home..._

Luke arrives less than an hour later wide eyed and out of breath and full of questions. Obi-Wan is ready with a packed bag of both of their meager belongings and some rations. He tells Luke that he’ll explain later, that for now they must leave and Luke must follow his directions. Luke nods his head, his emotions are a mess of confusion and awe in the force when Obi-Wan uses a mind trick on the stormtroopers but says nothing, only piping up in indignation when the smuggler asks for an obscene amount for payment.

It’s the hardest thing he’s ever had to do; explain to Luke about his past. Luke listens with a stony silence that has Obi Wan teetering on the edge of madness. At the end when Obi-Wan has said his peace he looks towards the floor unable to look into his son’s face and see the same look of betrayal his father wore the day they parted. But as always Luke suprises him. His sweet, perfect boy gets on his knees in front of Obi-Wan and cups Ben’s aged withered hands in his strong youthful ones and tells him that no matter what Ben will always be his father and the most shocking thing of all—he thanks Ben for being his Papa. 

  
  


Obi-Wan has made many mistakes in his life but as he deactivates his lightsaber with a final look towards his brave son, he knows _this_ was not one of them.   
  



End file.
